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新东方何钢谈写作：对一篇作文的详细评点（下）
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发布时间：2006-05-22
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何钢在原作文上的详细批改（括号为不妥之处，注释为修改）：
In reality, a large number(1) of money have(2) been funded(3) on the development of human
population in order to enhance the living standand(4). Although government(5) and animal lovers
have started to assist in conservation of animals, lacking of money and social awareness is still a
key problem of animal conservation program(6). Now people should care and pay more for
animals rather than living in luxury.(7)
Government(8) have put certain fund on wild animals, while a few part of them was spent on
protecting animals legally.(9) Instead, large account(10) of money has been cost(11) to murder
them. eg.(12) in scientific research, animals are more like victims whose body might suffer a lot
even damaged through experiment in aimning of coming out a result from experiment, rather than
lucky ones who can benefit lots care and love from hunman being(13).(14) From long term(15)
view, government(16) should not only spend money for current profits but aslo pay more for our
generations(17).
Admittedly, although money has been gathered to set covervation program(18) for animals, it is so
limited that animals could not get a better care in zoos. Lacking of money is the mainly(19)
problem to maintain the running of zoos, which cause the animals have to transform to another
area,(20) and some of them could die for(21) the frequently(22) traving(23) and uncomfortable
weather. Animals are facing awful fate unless government(24) could settle the financial issue by
all means.
To sum up, animals(25) lovers should do more effort(26) to save the endanged(27) animals
especially rare species,(28) by wakening up the social awareness and donating money. where
people could save money for animals ,when we will get benefit from wildlife.(29)
1 number修饰可数名词，应为sum
2 主谓一致，单数主语应该用has
3 fund作动词的时候不这么用。Cf: The project is jointly funded by several local companies. 此
处应用spent.
4 拼写错误及单复数。应为：people's living standards.
5 此处应加定冠词the.
6 拼写错误。应为：program.
7 中心思想句可改写为：I shall argue that more money should be allocated to and greater efforts
should be made on the protection of animal life.
8 单复数。应为：Governments.
9 这句话的意思含糊不清。
10 用词及单复数。应为：a large amount of
11 词的用法错误。Cost (sb) sth. 例：How much did the work cost you? 这里的主语是money，
不能用cost，可以用allot, appropriate拨款，或spend, use花钱。
12 不要用缩略语。应改为：For example.
13 Human beings.
14 这整句话虽然是个长句，但是意思不清楚。
15 A long-term.
16 应加定冠词the government.
17 后代应该是future generations或者the generations to come.
18 拼写及单复数。应为：conservation programs.
19 词性。修饰名词的应该用形容词：main.
20 这个分句问题较多：情态助动词、动词用法、被动语态和单复数。应为：which may cause
the animals to be transformed to other areas.
21 搭配。应为：die from.
22 词性。应为：frequent.
23 拼写。应为：travelling.
24 冠词：the government或the authorities.
25 名词修饰名词，一般用单数。应为：animal.
26 搭配及单复数。应为：make more efforts, step up sustained efforts或make concerted attempts
等。
27 拼写。应为：endangered.
28 应为：…animals, especially the rare species, …
29 最后一句话喊了个口号，但不知道喊的是什么：）
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